The Connection Between People Pleasing and Anxiety

Many of us have been in the type of situations in which we’ve had to compromise our own needs. Maybe you’ve agreed to help a friend move even though you’re already busy, or told a boss you’d take on an extra project even though your calendar is overflowing. Or perhaps you’ve rewritten a text several times because you’re worried it might sound rude, or when someone was disappointed in you, you spent the rest of the day wondering how to make it right. 

While these reactions might look considerate, underneath you might feel guilty or afraid of upsetting someone. And instead of paying attention to your own needs, you’re only focused on keeping someone else comfortable and happy. 

My name is Akilia Fadhel, LMSW and as a therapist at Madison Square Psychotherapy, I’ve seen the real life impact of people-pleasing and anxiety. I’ve noticed how we can become so focused on keeping everyone else comfortable that we stop noticing what we need ourselves. In this post, I’ll explore the connection between people-pleasing and anxiety so you can identify the beliefs behind these patterns and find the space to make room for your own needs, too.

What Is People Pleasing?

People pleasing is when we put others’ needs, preferences, feelings, or expectations over our own. Maybe we agree to things we don’t want to, avoid expressing our opinions, or feel responsible for how someone else feels. Being a people pleaser is different from being kind or generous. The difference is how much choice you feel you have and whether you’re acknowledging your own emotional boundaries. 

People pleasing behaviors might even have become so automatic that you might not recognize them as people pleasing. Maybe you just see it as disappointing someone else feels uncomfortable.

What’s the Connection Between People Pleasing and Anxiety? 

People pleasing and anxiety often fuel each other. People pleasing might be a response to the fear of anxiety or rejection, so you might try to be more accommodating to reduce this fear. Yet, although people pleasing might reduce the anxiety in the moment, it can actually make it worse. 

You could worry that saying “no” will cause conflict or disappointment, so you say “yes,” which temporarily reduces your anxiety. But, because you didn’t want to say “yes” and don’t have the time for everything you agreed to, you end up stressed and anxious. 

So, instead of feeling better, you end up constantly worrying about what others think or feel, or keep saying “yes” until you burn out.

Signs of People Pleasing and Anxiety

Anxiety and people pleasing look different for everyone, but common signs may include:

• Replaying conversations and analyzing someone’s tone

• Feeling guilty when you say “no”

• Taking responsibility for someone else’s bad mood

• Avoiding expressing your opinions, needs, or preferences

• Apologizing excessively or when you have nothing to apologize for

• Feeling unable to relax until everyone else seems happy

• Becoming drained or resentful after overcommitting

• Finding it hard to make decisions without someone else’s approval.

A people pleaser may appear calm, capable, and agreeable while internally feeling tense and hyperaware. Keeping up this appearance can take significant energy.

Why Do Some People Become People Pleasers?

People pleasing behaviors can happen for many reasons. They’re often shaped by temperament, family relationships, trauma, or the messages you received about what makes someone worthy of care. We take a look at some of these potential causes below.

Trauma

People pleasing behaviors might develop as a response to trauma or other past experiences. The people pleasing trauma response, also called “fawning,” is when, as a means of conflict avoidance, you become overly accommodating or flattering to stay in someone’s good graces. Research suggests that fawning is a trauma response that commonly results from childhood adverse experiences, such as sexual abuse.

Fear of Rejection

A strong fear of rejection can make you highly sensitive to changes in other people’s moods, facial expressions, or tone of voice. So being agreeable becomes a way to reduce the possibility that someone will criticize you, abandon you, or withdraw affection. Even setting reasonable boundaries can feel risky when you’re not certain whether someone will accept them (or you). 

Early Family and Relationship Experiences

Maybe you learned early on that relationships were more secure when you were helpful, quiet, successful, or easy to care for. Or perhaps your caregiver was unpredictable or their approval depended on meeting certain expectations. Growing up in this type of environment, people pleasing and anxiety might have developed because noticing everyone else’s needs may have become a way to stay safe or keep the peace. 

Perfectionism

Perfectionists are often people pleasers. Perfectionism might tell you that you have to be liked to be respected, and in order to be liked, you have to be perfect, respond correctly, and avoid mistakes. You might constantly worry about which response will ensure no one will judge you or will make everyone happy. But because a guarantee doesn’t exist, you may also spend a lot of time replaying conversations or questioning your decisions. 

Perfectionists are also usually occupied with goodness or being good and have a strong negative inner critic. Research suggests that people with higher tendencies toward perfectionism also have lower self-esteem.

How to Reduce People Pleasing Without Becoming Unkind

Changing your patterns of people pleasing and anxiety doesn’t mean you have to be inconsiderate or unkind. Instead, it involves learning that your needs also matter and can exist alongside your care for others. Here are some ways to manage these patterns:

Practice Small Boundaries

Boundaries can feel scary for people-pleasers, but you don’t need to jump into the deep end or start with your most challenging relationship. Maybe you decline a low-stakes invitation, like going out for a drink after work if you’re too exhausted, or express your preference for dinner. 

You’ll likely still feel anxiety or guilt, but the more you practice and see that your opinions and needs aren’t pushing others away, the less uncomfortable it will feel.

Build Internal Validation

Before asking what everyone else thinks, pause and ask what you think or feel. Consider whether your choice reflects your values, respects your capacity, and feels fair to everyone involved, including you. Over time, this can strengthen self-esteem and reduce your dependence on external emotional validation.

Develop a More Flexible View of Conflict

Respectful disagreement is not the same as rejection. In a healthy relationship, you can have misunderstandings and different opinions, and still stay connected. Giving yourself the opportunity to tolerate small amounts of conflict could help show you that honesty won’t push the important people in your life away and can actually lead to more secure relationships.

Begin Therapy for People Pleasing and Anxiety in NYC

You may have spent years believing that acceptance depends on being agreeable, helpful, or undemanding. These patterns can feel deeply ingrained, but they’re not permanent parts of who you are. Therapy gives you a supportive space to understand why people pleasing feels necessary and to practice different responses in a safe environment.

At Madison Square Psychotherapy, our therapists can help you explore the fears behind people pleasing and anxiety, practice setting healthier limits, and build greater trust in your feelings and decisions. We will work collaboratively and at a pace that feels manageable for you.

With us, your therapist may draw from psychodynamic therapy, cognitive behavioral therapy, attachment-based work, mindfulness, or other approaches to help you understand both where the pattern began and how it affects your life today.

Request a consult with myself or one of our other NYC therapists to get started. If you’re unsure who you should work with, you can fill out a questionnaire, and we’ll match you with a therapist. Together, we can help you build relationships in which you can care for others without abandoning yourself.

Frequently Asked Questions About People Pleasing and Anxiety

If people pleasing has been contributing to worry, guilt, or tension in your relationships, you may still have questions about how the pattern develops and what it can look like in daily life. Here, we’ve answered some of the questions clients often bring to therapy.

Written by: Akilia, Fadhel, LMSW

Clinically Reviewed by: Kristin Anderson, LCSW