5 Best Books for Anxious Attachment

Key takeaways:

• This list highlights the most insightful books for understanding anxious attachment and fostering healthier relationships.

• These hand-picked recommendations can help you implement practical strategies to cultivate emotional security and self-awareness.

• Therapy can complement what you learn from these books by providing personalized guidance and support.

Are you someone who leans anxious in relationships? Maybe you find yourself compulsively checking your phone to see if your partner has responded yet, or constantly needing reassurance and validation from your partner. Perhaps you find yourself feeling overwhelmed by slight changes in behavior, worried they’re a precursor to rejection or abandonment. If so, you’re not alone. Roughly 20% of people grapple with an anxious attachment style, and it can significantly impact their relationships and overall well-being. If you identify as anxiously attached, or perhaps are trying to better understand your anxiously attached partner, here are some of the best books to dive into on the journey towards creating healthier, more secure and fulfilling connections.

How I selected these books on anxious attachment

As a licensed psychotherapist in New York City, I work with a lot of young adults on dating and relationship issues, and anxious attachment is a topic that comes up a lot. As a former anxious attached girlie myself, these are some of the books that I found most helpful on my healing journey and regularly recommend to clients.

5 best books for healing anxious attachment

1. “Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find – and Keep – Love“ by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller

You can’t talk about attachment without mentioning this groundbreaking book – one of the most popular on the science of adult attachment and how it influences our romantic relationships. The authors of Attached make a strong argument that an individual with an anxious attachment style should intentionally seek out a securely attached partner, and think twice before getting involved with anyone avoidant to avoid what they detail the “anxious-avoidant trap”. Attached offers practical advice for navigating the challenges of anxious attachment, as well as strategies for developing more secure attachments.

• Best For:

  • Those new to attachment theory

  • Anyone looking to understand the patterns in their relationships

  Key Takeaways:

  • Understanding attachment styles can help you choose healthier, more compatible partners.

  • Practical strategies for managing anxiety in relationships.

  • The importance of self-awareness in developing emotional security.

  What Sets it Apart:

  • Groundbreaking scientific research combined with real-life examples, making it both accessible and informative.

2. “Insecure in Love: How An Anxious Attachment Can Make You Feel Jealous, Needy, and Worried and What You Can Do About It” by Leslie Becker-Phelps

This book specifically addresses the challenges faced by individuals with an anxious attachment style, helping them understand the root causes of their insecurities and offering guidance on how to manage and overcome them. Becker-Phelps provides actionable tools and techniques to help readers build greater self-awareness and cultivate more secure attachments. I love that this book takes a very empowered approach, focusing on what is in your power and control to change as someone anxiously attached, rather than surrendering to this identity and staying stuck in unfulfilling patterns.

Best For:

• Anyone struggling with emotional dependency or excessive need for reassurance.

• Those who feel stuck in cycles of jealousy or insecurity.

Key Takeaways:

• You have the power to change your attachment behaviors.

• Strategies for reducing anxiety and building confidence in relationships.

• How to communicate your needs without overwhelming your partner.

What Sets it Apart:

• Offers specific, actionable steps for transformation rather than just theory.

3. “Avoidant: How to Love (or Leave) a Dismissive Partner“ by Jeb Kinnison

While this book focuses on the avoidant attachment style, it is a valuable resource for those dealing with anxious attachment, as it delves into the dynamics of relationships between anxious and avoidant individuals. As the anxiously attached are often attracted to and find themselves involved with avoidantly attached partners, understanding these dynamics can help provide readers insight into their own behaviors and learn how to navigate the complexities of their relationships.

Best For:

• Anyone in a relationship with a partner who is avoidantly attached.

• Those struggling with the “push-pull” dynamics of an anxious-avoidant relationship.

Key Takeaways:

• Insight into why anxiously attached individuals are often drawn to avoidantly attached partners.

• Techniques for managing conflicts and emotional distance in these relationships.

• How to determine if an anxious-avoidant relationship is sustainable or harmful.

What Sets it Apart:

• Focus on the dynamics of anxious-avoidant relationships and how to break free from unhealthy patterns.

4. “How to Do the Work: Recognize Your Patterns, Heal from Your Past, and Create Your Self” by Dr. Nicole LePera

Known on Instagram as the holistic psychologist, Dr. Nicole LePera focuses a lot on how regulating our nervous system is the key to healthier versions of ourselves, and consequently our relationships. The “How to Do the Work’ author wrote this follow-up book focused specifically on relationships, offering insights and techniques to help readers understand their attachment patterns, past traumas, and self-sabotaging behaviors. Through a holistic approach that integrates psychology, spirituality, and mindfulness, Dr. LePera guides readers on a transformative journey towards self-discovery, healing, and personal growth. This book includes lots of reflection questions and tools to implement at home.

Best For:

• Those interested in a holistic approach to healing.

• Anyone wanting to connect their attachment behaviors to deeper, unresolved issues.

Key Takeaways:

• The importance of nervous system regulation in healing attachment wounds.

• Practical exercises for healing past trauma and building self-trust.

• Mindfulness and self-compassion practices to break free from unhealthy relational patterns.

What Sets it Apart:

• Integrates psychological, spiritual, and mindfulness practices for a well-rounded approach to healing.

5. “The Attachment Theory Workbook: Powerful Tools to Promote Understanding, Increase Stability, and Build Lasting Relationships“ by Annie Chen

This interactive workbook offers exercises, prompts, and activities designed to help readers deepen their understanding of attachment theory and how it applies to their relationships. Through self-reflection and practical exercises, individuals with an anxious attachment style can gain valuable insights, develop greater self-awareness, and work towards building more secure and fulfilling connections. This one is great when you have a basic understanding of the science of attachment already, and really want to dive deeper into your specific circumstances.

Best For:

• Those who enjoy interactive, hands-on learning.

• Anyone ready to dive deep into their specific attachment-related behaviors.

Key Takeaways:

• Step-by-step exercises for recognizing and changing negative attachment patterns.

• How to develop more emotional stability and create secure relationships.

• Increased self-awareness and practical tools for making lasting changes.

What Sets it Apart:

• Highly interactive with exercises and prompts to guide the reader through self-discovery and change.

Other helpful resources beyond books

While books are a great resource for learning more about your attachment style, building awareness, and beginning to move toward more secure attachment, there are also lots of other avenues for healing. Some other wonderful resources to explore include:

• The Sabrina Zohar Show Podcast – Sabrina Zohar dives deep into attachment theory and its impact on relationships with guests who are experts in the field. She explores how attachment styles shape our romantic and interpersonal dynamics, offering listeners practical advice for improving their relationships and emotional well-being.

• The Mel Robbins Podcast – Mel Robbins provides actionable advice on a variety of topics related to personal development, including emotional regulation, self-worth, and relationship dynamics. Her straightforward approach and relatable storytelling make it easy to understand how attachment issues manifest in daily life, and how to work through them.

• On Attachment Podcast – Stephanie Rigg, a psychotherapist specializing in attachment, hosts this podcast dedicated to exploring the intricacies of attachment theory. She covers topics such as healing from past relational wounds, how attachment patterns influence our behavior, and how to cultivate secure attachments in our relationships. The podcast features expert interviews and deep dives into therapeutic techniques.

• Headspace App – Mindfulness and meditation can be incredibly helpful in regulating the nervous system, which is a key part of healing from attachment wounds. The Headspace app offers guided meditations, breathing exercises, and mindfulness practices that can help you build emotional resilience, decrease anxiety, and improve overall mental well-being.

• The Securely Attached Podcast – Hosted by neuropsychologist Dr. Jessica Baum, this podcast is dedicated to helping listeners understand their attachment styles and how they influence romantic relationships. Dr. Baum discusses how to break free from insecure attachment patterns and cultivate secure, healthy relationships.

Each of these resources provides a different perspective on earned secure attachment, offering valuable insights that can complement the knowledge you gain from reading books. Whether through expert interviews, guided meditations, or practical relationship advice, they can all support your mental health journey toward building more secure connections with yourself and others.

Beyond self-help resources, a therapist specializing in attachment can provide personalized guidance, while support groups can offer a sense of community and validation.

How to use these free resources effectively

To get the most out of the books and resources on anxious attachment, consider the following tips:

• Start with self-reflection. Use exercises and journaling prompts to gain deeper self-awareness.

• Set realistic goals. Healing is a process, so focus on small, achievable steps each week.

• Be patient with yourself. Breaking attachment patterns takes time, so practice self-compassion.

• Implement what you learn. Don’t just read the books—apply the strategies and tools to your everyday life.

• Seek support. Therapy or coaching can help you navigate tough moments and keep you on track.

Learning about attachment styles can provide a sense of validation and understanding for why we behave the way we do in relationships, well as offer practical strategies for personal growth and healthier relationships. I often recommend these resources to clients and anyone looking to deepen their understanding of attachment styles and take steps towards creating more secure and fulfilling connections.

Final thoughts on books for anxious attachment

Remember, you are not defined by your attachment style, and with the right knowledge and support, you can cultivate healthier, more satisfying relationships. If you are struggling with anxious attachment style, want to release past trauma, or want to dive deeper into your healing journey, please feel free to either book a consult directly with any of our therapists or take our matching quiz to get hand matched with one of them. Our therapists at Madison Square Psychotherapy are here to support you in building healthier, more secure relationships no matter your attachment style.